1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,523 Katie: You got to love public school... free babysitting 2 00:00:03,563 --> 00:00:05,864 and a convenient place to throw away my car garbage. 3 00:00:05,932 --> 00:00:08,617 Tara: You ruined my son's life! 4 00:00:08,695 --> 00:00:10,491 Ah, Tara Summers... 5 00:00:10,546 --> 00:00:11,812 my daughter's boyfriend's mother. 6 00:00:11,881 --> 00:00:14,081 If I had one free punch for anyone in the world, 7 00:00:14,150 --> 00:00:15,783 it would be Bryant Gumbel. 8 00:00:15,852 --> 00:00:18,653 But if I had two, it would be Tara Summers. 9 00:00:18,721 --> 00:00:21,222 Eyo doesn't want to be an anesthesiologist anymore. 10 00:00:21,291 --> 00:00:22,957 He wants to be a cartoon artist. 11 00:00:23,026 --> 00:00:24,525 - Mm. - He spends the day at your house, 12 00:00:24,594 --> 00:00:26,429 and now he wants to "follow his dreams." 13 00:00:26,461 --> 00:00:28,227 Sounds like a real bad seed. 14 00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:30,029 - Hi, Mom. - Hi, honey. 15 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,465 Mama, can Autumn and I have a playdate? 16 00:00:32,534 --> 00:00:35,001 [Scoffs] Why must all of our children insist on getting along? 17 00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:36,903 Of course you can, sweetie. 18 00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:38,204 - Yay! - Yay! 19 00:00:38,273 --> 00:00:40,506 Fine. But it has to be at my house. 20 00:00:40,575 --> 00:00:42,241 If Autumn spends a day with you, she'll come back wanting 21 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:43,910 to be something awful when she grows up... 22 00:00:43,978 --> 00:00:45,578 like a teacher. 23 00:00:45,647 --> 00:00:47,013 Come on. 24 00:00:47,082 --> 00:00:50,275 Hey, Mom, is cool if I catch a ride home with my friends today? 25 00:00:51,213 --> 00:00:54,414 Yes. And nice job joining the popular clique. 26 00:00:54,483 --> 00:00:55,816 Did you know I was the most popular girl 27 00:00:55,885 --> 00:00:57,117 in a high school of 5,000 people? 28 00:00:57,186 --> 00:00:59,386 I did, because you talk about it constantly. 29 00:00:59,455 --> 00:01:02,356 Well! Somebody sounds jealous. 30 00:01:02,424 --> 00:01:03,924 Have you seen Oliver? 31 00:01:03,993 --> 00:01:05,459 Yeah, he took the bus to ballet practice. 32 00:01:05,528 --> 00:01:06,827 Mm. 33 00:01:06,896 --> 00:01:09,830 I've been seen talking to my mom for a really long time, 34 00:01:09,899 --> 00:01:12,232 so I'm gonna go while I still have friends. 35 00:01:12,301 --> 00:01:14,134 Mm. 36 00:01:14,203 --> 00:01:16,136 Bye, Taylor! Have fun! 37 00:01:16,205 --> 00:01:18,772 First day without your blankie! I'm so proud of you! 38 00:01:20,643 --> 00:01:23,443 Is it possible I came to school for nothing? 39 00:01:23,512 --> 00:01:26,513 I've achieved what every stay-at-home mom dreams of... 40 00:01:26,582 --> 00:01:28,415 a free afternoon. 41 00:01:28,484 --> 00:01:30,918 I'm going to Target to sit on the lawn furniture! 42 00:01:31,172 --> 00:01:34,007 Synced and corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 43 00:01:34,085 --> 00:01:37,558 ♪ 44 00:01:37,626 --> 00:01:39,326 [Hans Gruber oinking] 45 00:01:39,395 --> 00:01:41,929 So that's why I was never picked first for any team sports. 46 00:01:41,997 --> 00:01:44,164 Anyways, thanks for listening. 47 00:01:45,301 --> 00:01:46,166 [Door closes] 48 00:01:46,235 --> 00:01:47,501 Katie. 49 00:01:47,570 --> 00:01:49,069 Shouldn't you be picking up Oliver from ballet? 50 00:01:49,138 --> 00:01:51,471 Oh, crap! I forgot. 51 00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:52,840 I'm still a little disoriented 52 00:01:52,908 --> 00:01:54,575 from getting woken up from my Target nap. 53 00:01:54,643 --> 00:01:56,577 If they don't want you to put three lawn chairs together 54 00:01:56,645 --> 00:01:58,512 to form a bed, there should be a sign. 55 00:01:58,581 --> 00:02:00,414 You got to be careful, or they will ban you. 56 00:02:00,482 --> 00:02:03,517 - Way ahead of you. I rotate Targets. - Hm. 57 00:02:03,586 --> 00:02:04,885 - I got to go pick up Oliver. - No, no, no. 58 00:02:04,954 --> 00:02:06,286 Before you leave, 59 00:02:06,355 --> 00:02:07,988 I'm doing a reading of my soon-to-be-published book, 60 00:02:08,057 --> 00:02:09,323 "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences 61 00:02:09,391 --> 00:02:10,724 of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook"... 62 00:02:10,793 --> 00:02:12,426 I just like saying it... 63 00:02:12,494 --> 00:02:14,494 and I need some help choosing a passage. 64 00:02:16,065 --> 00:02:17,397 Now, this passage 65 00:02:17,466 --> 00:02:19,433 about his marriage to Harriet Taylor works, 66 00:02:19,501 --> 00:02:22,102 but feels a little nichey. Don't you think it's nichey? 67 00:02:22,171 --> 00:02:23,470 - So nichey. - Yeah. 68 00:02:23,539 --> 00:02:25,239 So then, I considered this passage 69 00:02:25,307 --> 00:02:27,341 about when Mill was the colonial administrator 70 00:02:27,409 --> 00:02:28,842 in the British East India Company, 71 00:02:28,911 --> 00:02:29,977 but then I thought... you don't put 72 00:02:30,045 --> 00:02:31,612 "Luke, I am your father" in the trailer. 73 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,047 - No, you do not. - [Chuckles] 74 00:02:34,116 --> 00:02:36,550 So I was wondering, what's your favorite passage? 75 00:02:37,753 --> 00:02:39,720 Gosh, honey. 76 00:02:39,788 --> 00:02:43,257 - There are just so many that I love. - Aww. 77 00:02:43,325 --> 00:02:45,125 The first one, obviously. 78 00:02:45,194 --> 00:02:46,159 Mm-hmm. 79 00:02:46,228 --> 00:02:51,298 And the second one... is just... 80 00:02:55,704 --> 00:02:58,071 You haven't read my book, have you? 81 00:02:58,140 --> 00:02:59,640 You know if it doesn't come in magazine form 82 00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:00,741 and have pictures of celebrities, 83 00:03:00,809 --> 00:03:03,494 I have no chance of staying awake. 84 00:03:03,779 --> 00:03:06,113 I can't read this right now. I got to go pick up Oliver. 85 00:03:06,181 --> 00:03:07,481 And they say tired driving 86 00:03:07,549 --> 00:03:09,349 is just as bad as drunk driving. 87 00:03:09,418 --> 00:03:10,751 Do you support drunk driving, Greg? 88 00:03:12,087 --> 00:03:13,420 I didn't think so. 89 00:03:13,489 --> 00:03:17,824 ♪ 90 00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:19,259 [Horn honks] 91 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,033 Drive! Go, go, go! 92 00:03:26,101 --> 00:03:27,067 Did you just try to pull off 93 00:03:27,136 --> 00:03:28,502 one last heist before retirement, 94 00:03:28,570 --> 00:03:29,870 but the crew member you trusted the most 95 00:03:29,939 --> 00:03:31,805 turned out to be working for the feds the entire time? 96 00:03:31,874 --> 00:03:34,074 What?! No! I just want to leave... now! 97 00:03:34,143 --> 00:03:35,075 Punch it! 98 00:03:37,279 --> 00:03:39,479 Seriously, Oliver, what is going on? 99 00:03:39,548 --> 00:03:41,181 Did something happen in ballet? 100 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:42,983 No, I just want to go. 101 00:03:43,052 --> 00:03:44,985 If you won't talk... 102 00:03:45,054 --> 00:03:46,687 then I'm gonna ask your teacher. 103 00:03:50,025 --> 00:03:51,925 [Click, click] 104 00:03:51,994 --> 00:03:53,593 [Click, click] 105 00:03:53,662 --> 00:03:54,828 [Rapid clicking] 106 00:03:54,897 --> 00:04:01,969 ♪ 107 00:04:02,037 --> 00:04:03,603 Fine. You win. Let's go home. 108 00:04:03,672 --> 00:04:05,172 [Laughs] Sucker! 109 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,207 Let this be a lesson to you... trust no one. 110 00:04:07,276 --> 00:04:09,843 - Not even your own mother. - That's a terrible lesson! 111 00:04:11,413 --> 00:04:12,779 Excuse me, Nina? 112 00:04:14,516 --> 00:04:16,984 Oliver has been acting a little weird, 113 00:04:17,052 --> 00:04:18,352 and I was wondering if it's something 114 00:04:18,420 --> 00:04:19,653 that I should know about. 115 00:04:19,722 --> 00:04:22,454 Actually, there was... an incident. 116 00:04:22,825 --> 00:04:24,791 Oliver was paired up with Gina Tuscadero. 117 00:04:24,860 --> 00:04:27,394 [Gasps] The granddaughter of Pinky Tuscadero, 118 00:04:27,463 --> 00:04:30,464 which would make her Leather Tuscadero's grand-niece? 119 00:04:30,532 --> 00:04:32,966 Pinky and Leather are fictional characters from "Happy Days." 120 00:04:33,035 --> 00:04:34,634 Gina is a real person. 121 00:04:34,703 --> 00:04:36,107 Well, you're no fun. 122 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,643 Oliver and Gina were practicing lifts. 123 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:42,380 [Classical music plays] 124 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:45,350 And right in front of the class... 125 00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,488 ...he kind of got a lift in his pants... 126 00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:51,723 [Laughter] 127 00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,258 ...if you know what I mean. 128 00:04:53,326 --> 00:04:55,226 Oliver chubbed out? 129 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,862 Yes. That's what I mean. 130 00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:04,169 We're not talking about this... not now, not ever. 131 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,874 A-Are you smiling? 132 00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:12,810 No. 133 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,049 Why are you so uptight? 134 00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,285 I am your mother. I used to bathe you. 135 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,053 Yeah, well, I got new stuff since then. 136 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:24,055 ♪ 137 00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,824 Oliver, come on! Let's talk about this. 138 00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:27,926 There's nothing to discuss. 139 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,761 I'm never going to ballet again. 140 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,230 What's wrong with him? 141 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:35,133 Remember the deal we made when we decided to have kids? 142 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,735 You handle the vagina questions and I handle the penisy ones? 143 00:05:37,804 --> 00:05:38,803 - Exactly. - [Door opens] 144 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,841 We had the best playdate ever. 145 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,276 Anna-Kat, tell your mom about it, 146 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,245 and don't leave out any detail. 147 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:48,846 Well, we went to the petting zoo. 148 00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,481 That sounds like fun. 149 00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:53,051 It was fun, but then I learned some pretty disturbing things 150 00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:54,319 about where meat comes from. 151 00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:56,120 - Oh, no. - Oh, yes. 152 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,223 And after talking it out with Mrs. Summers... 153 00:05:58,291 --> 00:05:59,324 That's me. [Giggles] 154 00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:01,359 ...I've decided to become a vegan. 155 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,864 You bitch. 156 00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:09,767 Hm. Have fun with your daughter's new lifestyle. 157 00:06:09,836 --> 00:06:12,770 P.S.... I literally told her how the sausage is made. 158 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:14,405 Bye. 159 00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:16,140 [Door opens, closes] 160 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,376 Huh. Anna-Kat's a vegan. 161 00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:25,283 The quiet makes me nervous. 162 00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,185 If she is a vegan, 163 00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:30,655 that means I will have to cook two meals every meal. 164 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,156 It doubles my workload. 165 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,625 And I don't want to shop at the weird aisle 166 00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:35,560 in the grocery store. I hate that aisle! 167 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,695 They sell soup in boxes. It's unnatural. 168 00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,063 They do have nice lotions, though. 169 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,465 Just when you think you have everything under control, 170 00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:41,933 your kids change on you. 171 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,235 I don't change! You don't see me having growth. 172 00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:45,870 I certainly do not. 173 00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,872 I'll handle Anna-Kat. You talk to Oliver. 174 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,207 Got it. 175 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,075 Wait. What's wrong with Oliver? 176 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:54,879 He had a moment in ballet class where he was... 177 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:57,649 you at my nana's funeral. 178 00:06:57,717 --> 00:06:59,450 We agreed that was not my fault. 179 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,986 We were packed in like sardines, and you look sexy in black. 180 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,521 ♪ 181 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:07,458 Anna-Kat, animals are actually happy to be eaten. 182 00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:08,726 We're doing them a solid. 183 00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:11,062 Non-vegan food is full of hormones, Mama. 184 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,498 Do you want me to get my period when I'm 9? 185 00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,533 I'm gonna kill Tara Summers! 186 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,269 I am a vegan, I will always be a vegan, 187 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:22,373 and there is nothing you can do to change my mind. 188 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,975 I'll give you 10 bucks to stop. 189 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,177 - Please. - Ohhhh. 190 00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,079 Son, you're an Otto. 191 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:31,049 That means you're genetically predisposed to humiliation. 192 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,418 Your cousin Freddy kissed his own mother 193 00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:35,853 because he panicked on a kiss cam at a Knicks game. 194 00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:38,289 Your grandfather Reginald had a lactose issue, 195 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,191 which ultimately made his roommate, 196 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,160 Donald Whoopie, millions. 197 00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,195 - Your great-grandfather Frederick Otto... - Dad, what's your point? 198 00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,763 My point is, they didn't let those 199 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:47,632 embarrassing moments define them. 200 00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:48,933 Yeah, but it did define them. 201 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,134 All these years later, 202 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,270 that's all they're remembered for, right? 203 00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:00,478 I'm gonna need some time to regroup. 204 00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:04,982 - How did it go? - Awful. You? 205 00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:07,418 She almost convinced me that cheese has feelings. 206 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,554 - Had to get out of there. - Well, at least only two 207 00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:10,888 - of the three kids are... - Hey, guys. 208 00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:12,423 What do you think? [Chuckles] 209 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,025 Never mind. Three for three. 210 00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:15,026 So you like it? 211 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,228 What has gotten into you? 212 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:19,097 You are not allowed to dye your hair 213 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,398 without asking for permission. 214 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,667 Uh, I'm pretty sure I can, because I just did. 215 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,669 - And it's my hair! - That is not your hair! 216 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:27,205 As long as you live in this house, it's my hair. 217 00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:28,806 Everything you have is mine! 218 00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:30,775 Your liver? I'm letting you borrow it. 219 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,110 You could at least admit it's cute. 220 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,745 Cute?! It's not cute! 221 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:35,880 [Hans Gruber oinks] 222 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,783 A pig in a skirt... that's cute! 223 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,752 Ugh! These girls are killing me! 224 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,653 I need to lie down. 225 00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,055 Where are you going? 226 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,259 Target. 227 00:08:45,313 --> 00:08:46,758 ♪ 228 00:08:49,181 --> 00:08:51,657 My girls are growing up and not bending to my will. 229 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,660 They're forming their own... opinions. 230 00:08:54,723 --> 00:08:56,556 Ugh. It's your fault, Katie. 231 00:08:56,625 --> 00:08:58,258 You always ask them "What's the matter?" 232 00:08:58,327 --> 00:08:59,426 when they're crying. 233 00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:00,861 Personally, Katie, I don't see what's wrong 234 00:09:00,929 --> 00:09:02,262 with your children being their own people. 235 00:09:02,331 --> 00:09:04,030 - Surprise, surprise. - What? 236 00:09:04,099 --> 00:09:05,465 Taylor is just trying to be popular, 237 00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:07,834 and Anna-Kat is just showing some independence. 238 00:09:07,903 --> 00:09:10,937 Who invited lesbian Dr. Phil to breakfast? 239 00:09:11,006 --> 00:09:13,507 Uh, just because I care about my kids' feelings... 240 00:09:13,575 --> 00:09:15,242 Yeah, so dumb. 241 00:09:15,310 --> 00:09:17,377 You're dealing with a full-on uprising. 242 00:09:17,446 --> 00:09:19,045 You can't talk things through with them. 243 00:09:19,114 --> 00:09:20,580 You need to crush them before your house 244 00:09:20,649 --> 00:09:22,749 - becomes like Angela's. - Um, my house 245 00:09:22,818 --> 00:09:24,551 is a safe space where everyone is allowed 246 00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:26,553 to openly express their truths. 247 00:09:26,622 --> 00:09:28,255 [Both laugh] 248 00:09:28,323 --> 00:09:29,756 Kids! 249 00:09:29,825 --> 00:09:33,393 I respect that you enjoy spraying water in the house, 250 00:09:33,462 --> 00:09:34,761 but I've asked you to stop, 251 00:09:34,830 --> 00:09:37,764 and now I'm feeling a little unheard. 252 00:09:37,833 --> 00:09:39,366 [Both laugh] 253 00:09:39,434 --> 00:09:41,835 I can see you're not in a place to discuss the issue right now, 254 00:09:41,904 --> 00:09:43,637 so we can talk about it at bedtime. 255 00:09:43,705 --> 00:09:46,006 Which is, as always, at your discretion. 256 00:09:46,074 --> 00:09:47,073 [Both laugh] 257 00:09:47,142 --> 00:09:49,176 So yeah, I'm a good mother. 258 00:09:50,212 --> 00:09:51,978 - But your story didn't prove... - I'm a good mother. 259 00:09:53,115 --> 00:09:53,947 Mm. 260 00:09:54,016 --> 00:09:56,049 Kids, line up! 261 00:09:56,118 --> 00:09:58,185 [Door closes] 262 00:09:58,253 --> 00:10:01,321 You are all going to start behaving right now. 263 00:10:01,390 --> 00:10:02,823 Okay, Mom, I'll dye my hair back. 264 00:10:02,891 --> 00:10:03,890 And I'll eat meat again. 265 00:10:03,959 --> 00:10:05,325 And I'll stop with the erections. 266 00:10:05,394 --> 00:10:06,293 Yes! 267 00:10:06,361 --> 00:10:07,894 I'm the best mom ever. 268 00:10:07,963 --> 00:10:10,363 So, which passage? 269 00:10:10,432 --> 00:10:12,599 Oh, God! I must've fallen asleep. 270 00:10:12,668 --> 00:10:15,001 Come on, Katie. What's your favorite passage? 271 00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:17,204 I don't need to pick a passage. 272 00:10:17,272 --> 00:10:19,206 I know everything about this guy. 273 00:10:19,274 --> 00:10:20,774 You don't even know his name. 274 00:10:20,843 --> 00:10:22,843 You keep calling him "Rod Stewart Mill." 275 00:10:22,911 --> 00:10:24,845 Mom, my phone's not working. 276 00:10:24,913 --> 00:10:27,080 Get your keys. We need to go get a new one. 277 00:10:27,149 --> 00:10:28,548 What is wrong with you? 278 00:10:28,617 --> 00:10:29,983 Why are you just standing there?! 279 00:10:30,052 --> 00:10:31,785 This is my life, and I'm being cut off! 280 00:10:31,854 --> 00:10:33,320 I'm missing things! 281 00:10:33,388 --> 00:10:34,588 Well, Taylor, since you're doing 282 00:10:34,656 --> 00:10:35,922 what you want with your hair, 283 00:10:35,991 --> 00:10:37,824 I'm doing what I want with my phone. 284 00:10:37,893 --> 00:10:39,893 You see, it's mine, because I paid for it, 285 00:10:39,962 --> 00:10:41,928 so I turned the service off. 286 00:10:41,997 --> 00:10:43,597 You are the worst! 287 00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:45,966 A couple of days without her cellphone... 288 00:10:46,034 --> 00:10:48,468 - that just might do it. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 289 00:10:48,537 --> 00:10:50,036 And just to be sure... 290 00:10:51,573 --> 00:10:53,006 [Echoing] Where's all my stuff?! 291 00:10:53,075 --> 00:10:54,608 If you're old enough to dye your own hair, 292 00:10:54,676 --> 00:10:56,643 then you're old enough to get your own stuff! 293 00:10:56,712 --> 00:10:58,778 - You got rid of all her things? - I did. 294 00:10:58,847 --> 00:11:00,513 Everything? Her bed, her dresser? 295 00:11:00,582 --> 00:11:01,948 - All of it's in the garage. - How did you... 296 00:11:02,017 --> 00:11:03,850 You know how when a child is stuck under a car, 297 00:11:03,919 --> 00:11:05,819 a mother's love can give her superhuman strength? 298 00:11:05,888 --> 00:11:08,922 Turns out, it also kicks in when a mother's really pissed. 299 00:11:08,991 --> 00:11:09,890 Mm. 300 00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:11,424 And you. 301 00:11:11,493 --> 00:11:13,760 You're coming with me to shop for your very own dinner. 302 00:11:13,829 --> 00:11:15,061 That sounds like fun. 303 00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,763 Sorry, Katie. I just can't get my head around this. 304 00:11:16,832 --> 00:11:18,465 That dresser's 200 pounds. 305 00:11:18,533 --> 00:11:20,700 Rage, Greg. It makes me strong. 306 00:11:20,769 --> 00:11:25,772 ♪ 307 00:11:27,876 --> 00:11:29,843 Welcome to Hell. 308 00:11:29,912 --> 00:11:33,013 This aisle is filled with all sorts of vegan nightmares. 309 00:11:33,081 --> 00:11:34,748 Here's some deodorant that doesn't work, 310 00:11:34,816 --> 00:11:36,249 something called yeast butter, 311 00:11:36,318 --> 00:11:38,418 and... ooh... a guy with his hair in a bun. 312 00:11:38,487 --> 00:11:41,821 He looks homeless, but he's spending 15 bucks on hemp milk. 313 00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:43,523 Okay. 314 00:11:43,592 --> 00:11:45,725 For dinner, I was thinking 315 00:11:45,794 --> 00:11:48,695 I'll just fill this thing with this slimy stuff. 316 00:11:48,764 --> 00:11:51,898 As long as it didn't have parents, I'll eat it. 317 00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,500 - Excuse me. - [Dramatic note plays] 318 00:11:53,568 --> 00:11:55,669 Everything in this aisle is just so natural. 319 00:11:55,737 --> 00:11:57,737 Ugh. I need a bath and a turkey leg. 320 00:11:57,806 --> 00:12:01,808 Katie Otto, in my aisle, buying tofu. 321 00:12:01,877 --> 00:12:03,176 Give it a rest, Tara. 322 00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:05,578 No, it's still fun. 323 00:12:05,647 --> 00:12:08,448 Anna-Kat, did you know that leather comes from cow skin? 324 00:12:08,517 --> 00:12:10,517 Your mother's purse used to be an animal. 325 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,688 Oh. No. Not this purse. 326 00:12:14,756 --> 00:12:16,189 Excuse me. 327 00:12:16,258 --> 00:12:18,491 Would you please get that blue jar of Veganaise for me? 328 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,160 My pleasure. 329 00:12:20,228 --> 00:12:22,295 [Dramatic note plays] 330 00:12:22,364 --> 00:12:25,465 No. It's my pleasure. 331 00:12:25,534 --> 00:12:32,605 ♪ 332 00:12:32,674 --> 00:12:34,674 Sloppy joes? 333 00:12:34,743 --> 00:12:36,476 Sloppy joes are my favorite. 334 00:12:36,545 --> 00:12:37,644 They are? 335 00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:39,379 Too bad you don't eat meat anymore. 336 00:12:39,448 --> 00:12:41,181 Your dinner is this. 337 00:12:41,249 --> 00:12:42,716 It's called brown-loaf. 338 00:12:42,784 --> 00:12:45,885 - And it tastes exactly like it sounds. - Yuck. 339 00:12:45,954 --> 00:12:46,920 Hey, you should picture that next time 340 00:12:46,989 --> 00:12:48,555 you lift Gina Tuscadero. 341 00:12:49,891 --> 00:12:52,225 Okay, Mom. Ha ha ha. 342 00:12:52,294 --> 00:12:53,827 I get it. 343 00:12:53,895 --> 00:12:55,862 I can't use your plates or your silverware. 344 00:12:55,931 --> 00:12:58,264 But come on. It's sloppy joes. I'll make a mess. 345 00:12:58,333 --> 00:13:00,066 Actually, blondie, you don't get it. 346 00:13:00,135 --> 00:13:01,835 If you're old enough to dye your hair, 347 00:13:01,903 --> 00:13:04,004 then you're old enough to make your own dinner with your own food. 348 00:13:05,307 --> 00:13:06,706 I'm calling Child Services! 349 00:13:06,775 --> 00:13:07,707 With what? 350 00:13:07,776 --> 00:13:08,908 Ugh! 351 00:13:08,977 --> 00:13:10,443 Uprising crushed. 352 00:13:10,512 --> 00:13:12,278 Opinions and ideas squelched. 353 00:13:12,347 --> 00:13:15,248 Children... sad. Mom... happy. 354 00:13:15,317 --> 00:13:17,650 Husband... messy. 355 00:13:17,719 --> 00:13:19,686 How does it taste, Anna-Kat? 356 00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:22,389 Brown and loafy? 357 00:13:22,457 --> 00:13:24,024 It tastes like dirt. 358 00:13:24,092 --> 00:13:26,026 I love dirt. 359 00:13:26,094 --> 00:13:27,727 I just used the family computer 360 00:13:27,796 --> 00:13:30,030 to order myself a pizza and an air mattress. 361 00:13:30,098 --> 00:13:32,165 Should be here in 30 minutes or less. 362 00:13:32,234 --> 00:13:33,800 How the hell did you do that? 363 00:13:33,869 --> 00:13:35,402 I have some birthday money saved up, 364 00:13:35,470 --> 00:13:36,936 and the Internet is awesome. 365 00:13:37,005 --> 00:13:38,038 It is awesome. 366 00:13:39,274 --> 00:13:41,808 The Internet, not that she outsmarted you. 367 00:13:41,877 --> 00:13:43,343 That's awful. 368 00:13:43,412 --> 00:13:44,844 Brown-loaf awful. 369 00:13:44,913 --> 00:13:46,813 Brown-loaf is my new favorite. 370 00:13:46,882 --> 00:13:49,786 Wow, Katie, you have really lost control. 371 00:13:50,488 --> 00:13:51,622 [Groans] 372 00:13:53,817 --> 00:13:55,995 I cracked down on my kids, like you suggested, 373 00:13:56,050 --> 00:13:57,409 but it only made them crappier. 374 00:13:57,457 --> 00:13:58,971 Well, then, you have to double down. 375 00:13:59,032 --> 00:14:01,199 Give Taylor a one-way bus ticket to Norwalk. 376 00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:02,400 Let her fend for herself, 377 00:14:02,469 --> 00:14:03,835 live in a box with her huffer friends, 378 00:14:03,903 --> 00:14:05,536 and she'll come crawling back. 379 00:14:05,605 --> 00:14:07,071 Now, as for Anna-Kat, I'm thinking, 380 00:14:07,140 --> 00:14:09,273 uh... dog crate for a few days, 381 00:14:09,342 --> 00:14:11,309 and then throw in a hamburger. 382 00:14:11,378 --> 00:14:12,944 Saying things like that is why those people 383 00:14:13,013 --> 00:14:15,079 came and talked to you at your house. 384 00:14:15,148 --> 00:14:16,447 You know what I think you should do... 385 00:14:16,516 --> 00:14:18,950 talk to them... not as a parent, but as a person. 386 00:14:19,019 --> 00:14:20,318 Oh, my God, here we go. 387 00:14:20,387 --> 00:14:22,720 Listen, if you shut your kids down all the time, 388 00:14:22,789 --> 00:14:24,455 they'll start doing things behind your back. 389 00:14:24,524 --> 00:14:26,324 My parents gave me a long leash, 390 00:14:26,393 --> 00:14:27,890 so I felt comfortable talking to them. 391 00:14:27,938 --> 00:14:29,705 And by the time I was Taylor's age, 392 00:14:29,774 --> 00:14:31,740 I knew I could tell them I was gay. 393 00:14:31,809 --> 00:14:34,143 Some of my friends weren't so lucky. 394 00:14:34,211 --> 00:14:35,978 They hid who they were and led a secret life, 395 00:14:36,046 --> 00:14:38,113 which sucked for them. 396 00:14:38,182 --> 00:14:41,083 So, sure, your kids need to know you as a parent, 397 00:14:41,152 --> 00:14:44,052 but at a certain age, they need to know you as a person. 398 00:14:44,121 --> 00:14:46,188 Give them your heart and give them your soul, 399 00:14:46,257 --> 00:14:48,157 and they'll know they can come to you with anything. 400 00:14:48,225 --> 00:14:50,626 ♪ 401 00:14:50,694 --> 00:14:54,096 If Katie wasn't here, you and I would not be friends. 402 00:14:55,866 --> 00:14:57,933 So, I'm going to stop taking Doris' advice 403 00:14:58,002 --> 00:14:59,234 and try Angela's way. 404 00:14:59,303 --> 00:15:01,236 I'm gonna embrace the fact that Taylor's changing 405 00:15:01,305 --> 00:15:03,438 and try talking to her... like a person. 406 00:15:03,507 --> 00:15:05,274 Hey, if that works on her, maybe you should try it on me. 407 00:15:06,677 --> 00:15:08,477 - Noooo! - Noooo! 408 00:15:08,546 --> 00:15:10,479 Are you gonna try talking to Oliver again? 409 00:15:10,548 --> 00:15:12,681 Yeah. You know, I finally found a passage for my reading, 410 00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:15,184 and it inspired me to try to give him some perspective. 411 00:15:16,353 --> 00:15:17,920 So you inspired yourself? 412 00:15:17,988 --> 00:15:19,888 [Chuckling] Yeah, well... 413 00:15:19,957 --> 00:15:22,024 I guess I did. 414 00:15:22,092 --> 00:15:23,959 Perhaps you should read it. 415 00:15:24,028 --> 00:15:26,461 It may help you with Taylor, as well. 416 00:15:26,530 --> 00:15:29,965 Uhhhhhhhhhhh... 417 00:15:30,968 --> 00:15:31,834 Whoa! 418 00:15:33,470 --> 00:15:36,405 You're doing homework without being forced or threatened? 419 00:15:36,473 --> 00:15:38,941 Yes. See what you've reduced me to? 420 00:15:40,177 --> 00:15:43,812 I came here to tell you that when I was your age, 421 00:15:43,881 --> 00:15:46,114 I desperately wanted a belly ring. 422 00:15:46,183 --> 00:15:48,750 But instead of asking Grandma for permission, 423 00:15:48,819 --> 00:15:51,053 I had Jill Tate shove a safety pin 424 00:15:51,121 --> 00:15:52,521 right through my belly button. 425 00:15:52,590 --> 00:15:53,522 Didn't that hurt? 426 00:15:53,591 --> 00:15:54,890 It would've, but I was super hi... 427 00:15:56,594 --> 00:15:58,727 I had a super-high pain tolerance back then. 428 00:15:58,796 --> 00:16:00,863 - Uh-huh. - So, anyway, 429 00:16:00,931 --> 00:16:03,198 my piercing got infected, obviously, 430 00:16:03,267 --> 00:16:04,867 but I couldn't ask my parents for help. 431 00:16:04,935 --> 00:16:05,901 So what'd you do? 432 00:16:05,970 --> 00:16:07,469 Wore a lot of baggy shirts. 433 00:16:07,538 --> 00:16:10,505 And eventually, I had to steal my dog's antibiotics, 434 00:16:10,574 --> 00:16:12,207 which did the trick. 435 00:16:12,276 --> 00:16:15,210 But without his medication, Duke lost most of his fur. 436 00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:21,383 I'm sorry I dyed my hair without permission. 437 00:16:21,452 --> 00:16:23,585 Why didn't you come talk to me first? 438 00:16:23,654 --> 00:16:25,954 Because... I knew you would say no. 439 00:16:26,023 --> 00:16:27,389 Sounds like me. 440 00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:28,724 How 'bout this? 441 00:16:28,792 --> 00:16:31,894 I won't automatically say no to things 442 00:16:31,962 --> 00:16:33,929 if you promise to talk to me first. 443 00:16:33,998 --> 00:16:35,597 Deal. 444 00:16:35,666 --> 00:16:37,566 - So I can keep my hair? - Absolutely not. 445 00:16:37,635 --> 00:16:39,768 That is not grandfathered into our new understanding. 446 00:16:39,837 --> 00:16:40,969 And even with our new understanding, 447 00:16:41,038 --> 00:16:42,137 I still would say no. 448 00:16:43,574 --> 00:16:44,740 I don't see what I've won here. 449 00:16:44,808 --> 00:16:45,807 Very little. 450 00:16:47,611 --> 00:16:49,278 [Door closes] 451 00:16:49,346 --> 00:16:50,846 - How did it go? - [Sighs] 452 00:16:50,915 --> 00:16:53,148 I gave him my best stuff, but he's still not going to ballet. 453 00:16:53,217 --> 00:16:54,549 [Hans Gruber oinks] 454 00:16:54,618 --> 00:16:56,752 Ooh. Suddenly, I feel underdressed. 455 00:16:56,820 --> 00:16:58,253 [Oinks] 456 00:16:59,890 --> 00:17:01,790 Basically, I told Oliver he shouldn't let embarrassment 457 00:17:01,859 --> 00:17:03,225 stop him from doing something he loves 458 00:17:03,294 --> 00:17:04,559 and he needs to soldier through it. 459 00:17:04,628 --> 00:17:06,094 And even though it doesn't seem like it now, 460 00:17:06,163 --> 00:17:08,630 one day, this will all just be a funny story he tells at parties. 461 00:17:08,699 --> 00:17:10,899 I've got a much shorter story about my talk with Taylor. 462 00:17:10,968 --> 00:17:12,134 I crushed it! 463 00:17:12,202 --> 00:17:13,802 [Oinking] 464 00:17:17,374 --> 00:17:18,674 Who's doing this? 465 00:17:18,742 --> 00:17:21,276 ♪ 466 00:17:21,345 --> 00:17:23,979 My reading is in an hour! I can't find any of my belts! 467 00:17:24,048 --> 00:17:25,681 Leather belts are made out of animals, 468 00:17:25,749 --> 00:17:27,649 so I gave them all a proper burial. 469 00:17:27,718 --> 00:17:28,817 [Sighs] 470 00:17:28,886 --> 00:17:30,419 I will help you kill Tara Summers. 471 00:17:30,487 --> 00:17:34,189 Okay. But I want this face to be the last one she sees. 472 00:17:34,258 --> 00:17:35,958 Honey, you look great. Don't worry. 473 00:17:36,026 --> 00:17:39,962 Kids, I made a new recipe... 474 00:17:40,030 --> 00:17:41,296 veggie chicken. 475 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,166 What's it made out of? 476 00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:45,167 Tofu. 477 00:17:46,704 --> 00:17:48,971 And what's the bone made out of? 478 00:17:51,075 --> 00:17:52,507 Also tofu. 479 00:17:55,312 --> 00:17:57,679 Even though I have to talk things out more with Taylor, 480 00:17:57,748 --> 00:17:59,047 Anna-Kat is 8. 481 00:17:59,116 --> 00:18:00,482 I don't have to treat her like a person. 482 00:18:00,551 --> 00:18:02,818 Lying to her works just fine. 483 00:18:02,886 --> 00:18:08,890 ♪ 484 00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:10,559 Good crowd. 485 00:18:10,627 --> 00:18:12,227 And that's why I love you. 486 00:18:17,234 --> 00:18:18,834 Good evening. 487 00:18:18,902 --> 00:18:21,336 My name is Gregory Otto, and I am the author. 488 00:18:21,405 --> 00:18:24,473 I'd like to begin the evening with a reading from my book 489 00:18:24,541 --> 00:18:26,775 "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences 490 00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,810 of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook." 491 00:18:30,748 --> 00:18:33,715 "London, 1806. 492 00:18:33,784 --> 00:18:36,618 A philosopher is born." 493 00:18:36,687 --> 00:18:39,388 It's too bad the advice Greg gave Oliver didn't work, 494 00:18:39,456 --> 00:18:41,289 because it was spot-on. 495 00:18:41,358 --> 00:18:42,524 "...John's father, 496 00:18:42,593 --> 00:18:44,893 historian and political theorist James Mill..." 497 00:18:44,962 --> 00:18:47,729 Oh, my God. It's just like "The Matrix." 498 00:18:47,798 --> 00:18:50,165 Oliver can't be told how to soldier through embarrassment. 499 00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:52,501 He has to see it for himself. 500 00:18:52,569 --> 00:18:54,169 "...all it knows from the external world. 501 00:18:54,238 --> 00:18:56,738 Whatever pleasure is derived from internal processes 502 00:18:56,807 --> 00:18:59,641 can be attribute to the external stimuli. 503 00:18:59,710 --> 00:19:00,642 The..." 504 00:19:00,711 --> 00:19:02,744 [Crowd murmuring] 505 00:19:11,655 --> 00:19:13,088 [Clears throat] 506 00:19:13,157 --> 00:19:16,792 "Mill's canonical work on utilitarianism, 507 00:19:16,860 --> 00:19:20,328 aptly entitled 'Utilitarianism', 508 00:19:20,397 --> 00:19:23,331 argues for a thoroughgoing empiricist, himself, 509 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,034 a trait inherited from Bentham and all other conclusions..." 510 00:19:26,103 --> 00:19:27,235 Thank you. 511 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,973 I get what you did. 512 00:19:32,042 --> 00:19:34,076 You were publicly embarrassed, but you didn't quit. 513 00:19:35,279 --> 00:19:36,511 Yep. 514 00:19:36,580 --> 00:19:39,114 That's... why I had your mother do that. 515 00:19:40,284 --> 00:19:41,416 So you're not gonna quit ballet? 516 00:19:41,485 --> 00:19:44,586 No. I'm just gonna triple up on tights. 517 00:19:48,025 --> 00:19:49,157 You. 518 00:19:49,226 --> 00:19:50,625 What? 519 00:19:50,694 --> 00:19:51,927 We talked about one of us 520 00:19:51,995 --> 00:19:53,395 embarrassing ourselves to make a point. 521 00:19:53,464 --> 00:19:54,996 Did you really think it was going to be me? 522 00:19:55,065 --> 00:19:58,300 I thought maybe, but I live a whole secret life in my head. 523 00:19:58,368 --> 00:19:59,935 I thought you sounded great out there. 524 00:20:00,003 --> 00:20:01,937 And when your book comes out on tape, 525 00:20:02,005 --> 00:20:03,004 I'm gonna read it. 526 00:20:03,073 --> 00:20:04,406 Aww. Thanks, honey. 527 00:20:04,475 --> 00:20:06,775 I mean that now. Can't imagine I will. 528 00:20:09,654 --> 00:20:12,621 [Grunting] 529 00:20:12,723 --> 00:20:15,424 Anna-Kat, are you sure this is the place? 530 00:20:15,526 --> 00:20:16,892 Honestly, I don't remember. 531 00:20:16,994 --> 00:20:19,228 You put me on the spot, and I pointed. 532 00:20:19,330 --> 00:20:21,397 Why don't you just buy a new belt? 533 00:20:21,499 --> 00:20:24,099 I'm not buying a new belt when there's a perfectly good belt 534 00:20:24,168 --> 00:20:27,269 buried somewhere in this backyard. 535 00:20:27,371 --> 00:20:29,305 [Grunts] 536 00:20:29,407 --> 00:20:31,407 Oh, my... Greg! 537 00:20:34,011 --> 00:20:36,178 See, Oliver? Another classic Otto story. 538 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:37,867 - [Gasps] - Ooh! 539 00:20:39,183 --> 00:20:41,350 That's it. I'm not having kids. 540 00:20:41,452 --> 00:20:43,385 This madness ends with me.